I'm not cut out for this shit

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Actually losing my [F-WORD]ing mind right now. It feels like I keep taking one step forward and two steps back every time I work on this project.

To give a brief update on my last post, I will likely be able to borrow lighting equipment and a camera from a local TV station if I film during spring break, so that's good.

This is the updated timeline. You could argue that this is the most barebones shit I could've possibly whipped up. You'd win that argument.

I don't want to stress myself out trying to rush through Pre-Production. It's the most important part of filmmaking to me. Production, on the other hand, will likely only be one day, and I've tried to keep the crew as minimal as possible. 

I've also got a fair amount of experience when it comes to speeding through production/post-production; I've spent tons of Saturdays these past few months making short films within the span of 8 hours. I'm only acting and doing graphics for those, though.

Yesterday, instead of a short film, I had to make a PSA within 6 hours, which was abhorrent, but I gained some perspective. Being on a three-person team, I had to basically do every role there is on a film set, so I learned my weakest link is definitely production.

(The prompt was "Practice Makes Perfect")

There is only one "cinematic" shot in the PSA, the rest is so-so. I had a specific look in mind, and I was able to replicate it fairly well. I also managed to keep a relatively level head during the shoot, which is a significant improvement given that I've had several breakdowns over video projects in the past.

I'm not going to judge it too harshly because it was planned, shot, and edited all in 6 hours, but I think it's still a fair indicator of my skill as a cinematographer and gaffer. Many of the shots have mediocre lighting, and I didn't use light to my advantage; if I was really thinking about how lighting affects mood, I would've made all of the beginning dark and high contrast, and made sure every shot in the latter half was evenly lit and bright. There was also a whole other thing with framerate that I'm not gonna get into right now, but just know there is serious room to improve on my cinematography skills.

Honestly I think it's just the lighting. I know how to use a camera, I just don't apply technique well enough.

But who cares about technique if I can't figure out an idea.

sigh

I don't think it's super practical to do the train station scene. In hindsight the only reason it was so ingrained in my head was because of that Wong Kar Wai video by Megan Tan. It's not a good idea; the outdoor stations we have in this part of the country are just so lackluster. Let's say I manage to film all my shots without getting chased off by an employee for not having a permit; there's still little shot variety.

I need to really examine the plot of what would be the overall film. I have this half-baked story that feels brittle, like there's no substance to it. It's honestly concerning that I can't make a full-length plot as someone who wants to be a writer.

Maybe it's that I'm trying to stay too grounded in reality, too accurate to my actual life. I grew up reading fantasy books and general fiction; the real world isn't my strong suit.